I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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