my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
