Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
