I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
