my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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