shes about as inviting as chlamydia
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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