Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize