Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
