Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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