I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
