K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
