Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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