dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
