I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
