We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
