Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He felt like a one man threesome
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
