I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
