Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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