There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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