jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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