I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
