I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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