so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Im part way to drunk.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
