i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Randomize
