At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
They took my balls.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
