your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
