Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
