I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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