Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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