I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize