make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
