so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
