We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
