i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
