i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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