How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
