Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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