i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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