peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
