We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
