man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize