u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
