the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
