Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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