If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
