Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
