How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
