She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
