You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
