I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
