I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
