today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
