Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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