Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
