haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
