Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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