About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
